Recently in the short space of two weeks, my life did a complete backflip, I lost my supposedly stable job of nine years and my unstable relationship of seven years.
It’s been a few weeks now since those two cataclysmic events took place – thank you solar and lunar eclipses of 2015!
Now that I’m over the shock and the dust has settled, I’m really feeling stuff, big stuff…some stuff that has not so much to do with these two major life biggies and everything to do with me – who I am, how I see myself, how I am seen by the world and how I want to be seen.
I have chosen to be alcohol free (the only substance I use) for this period so that I can allow my feelings their full and honest expression without band aiding them or squashing them only for them to burst forth at a later date and halt my personal progress. I’m choosing to be fully consciously present for the whole grieving process and to use this time as a springboard for where I want to be.
I’m a strong capable woman and I’ve been to hell – a few times, let’s face it, it’s not a fun place to be, I have no desire to go back again. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and have the imprints on my soul to prove it. Done!
But here I am stripped bare, pared back and naked…just me all by myself. No props, no leaning posts, none of the usual symbols that state to the world that I am worthy, successful, important. At a time in my life where I would prefer to be less vulnerable, I’m actually the most vulnerable I have ever been…and I’m scared, actually scared doesn’t even nearly cut it…I’m terrified.
I’m on the unpredictable and temperamental rollercoaster of grief, the highs are good, these are when I see the promise the future holds and I am able to enjoy the present moment and be productive without fear. The downhill run is a bit scary, I can see it coming and I know I’m on it, I also know I’m on the way down and I can’t stop it.
The lows are pretty yuk actually, these are when I cry a lot, sleep a lot and question my decisions and my sanity. In these moments I question who I am, why I am here, whether I’ve lost my marbles and whether I could have somehow saved my relationship after all. That last question is because, the truth of it is this…I now see so clearly all the parts of my now ex partner that I actually truly loved, but the whole truth is that I also see the things I had very real and painful difficulty being around, the red flags that were there from the beginning but that I chose to ignore.
What have I learned during this process so far? Well….here goes…
- Relationships, like life, are not black and white
- It doesn’t matter how much you know or what you’ve experienced, pain is pain – and it hurts
- You can each be the best version of you possible but if it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit
- Job security doesn’t exist (although in truth, I did already know that)
- Tears are absolutely fabulous…and healing
- When given the choice to stay comfortable or step up and be uncomfortable – always step up
- You can try and lie to yourself about what your knowing tells you, but sooner or later the truth will slap you in the face so be brave and listen to your intuition, it always knows
- Deal with pain when it happens, be open and vulnerable, you’ll be rewarded with a gentle heart
- You are your priority, find your purpose and commit to it whole heartedly, it will look after you
- Don’t hang on when you’ve out changed each other – job, partner, friends, interests
So where am I right now? Just waking from a long and nurturing hibernation, sleepily yawning and stretching and preparing to embrace the beautiful day ahead.
“Let her sleep for when she wakes she will move mountains.”
Photo by Denys Nevozhai on Unsplash
